Things I never thought I’d say before I had kids:


“I don’t care what the dog is doing; little boys do not poop on the lawn.”

In the bathtub… “Please stop kissing your brother’s bottom.”

“We do NOT touch our poop and smear it on the floor!”

“Who pee’d in the bathtub?” …when it wasn’t bath time.

“We do not ride the dog!”

“Don’t eat your boogers!”

“Milkbones are not crackers.”

“Please take my bra out of the toilet.”

“Food is for our mouths, not our ears!”

“We draw on paper, not on couches!”

“Stop flicking boogers at your brother!”

“No thank you, I do not want to try on your penis.”

“I understand you are a superhero, but you may NOT wear my underwear over your pants to school.”

“Don’t wipe your nose on my pillow!”